Tag: Coping

An Encouraging and Supportive Time-Out By and For the Caregiver

Leave a comment

Today’s guest post is by Brent Hoag. Reprinted with permission. Originally published on Facebook.

*****

A BOND
A PLEDGE
A COMMITMENT
LOVE

A husband caring for his wife
A wife caring for her husband
A daughter &/or son caring for their mother &/or father
A grandchild caring for their grandfather &/or grandmother
A relative caring for someone related to them
A friend caring for a friend
A partner caring for a partner
A human being caring for a stranger
A human being caring for someone they know
Human beings caring for human beings who are vulnerable and in need

I just read for 90 minutes various Posts & Comments in a few support groups that were written by a cross section & diversity of members/caregivers. I don’t often do this for a number of reasons. I was overwhelmed yet again at the pain, despair, grief, and anxiety and so much more that we share in common. And the sadness, oh the sadness in our lives & hearts.

However, in complete candor, I felt such a sudden unexpected pride because of what each of you, & we collectively, are doing. I honestly felt such a sense of pride to be associated with you even though we have never met. I empathize. I cannot overstate the importance of our being able to relate to, & rely upon, one another as caregivers.

This is about feeling privileged & honored about being in a group of people who notwithstanding our sadness, frustrations, challenges, & yes again the exhaustion, are caring for another human being who is so vulnerable. You have not only endured & coped but you have risen above and persevered in spite of daunting challenges in order to care for another human being. You are pushing through an incredible amount of sadness & difficulty in order to care for another human being. You are trying to afford them some peace, comfort, dignity, respect, & level of care that they so desperately need.

Your own selflessness & sense of responsibility & compassion for another human being is making a difference in their journey. We don’t expect or want recognition or applause. That’s not why we are doing this. Why we do it is so personal & can be simple or profound. However, here we are.

Love for another human being is often the most powerful & compelling element that each of us feel and have in our hearts. We then care, share & support.

Tonight I read & read. There are so many of us & we are such a diverse group of people who are at very different places in our journeys with our loved ones. And yet here we are under one “bubble” sharing, empathizing, & supporting.

No cheerleaders, no bands, no celebrations, no speeches, no oscars, no victory laps. However there is something that I want to share with you caregiver to caregiver. We’re “doing it”. We’ll get through this. I understand only too well your sense of humility but now & then we need help to get back up & to carry on & some deserving recognition & praise can give us the ability & required strength. And yet in our very special group of human beings not only are we selflessly caring for another human being but we are lending assistance to one another as caregivers.

You, your steadfast dedication, your ongoing sacrifices, your compassion, your perseverance, your doing the best that you can, and yes your love are a bond that we share. Whoever you are & whatever your connection with the person that you are caring for, I just want you to know how sad it was for me to read so many of your posts/comments but how much of a sense of pride & honour it allowed me to feel during such dark times. Thank you for that.

You are pretty remarkable even though you likely don’t feel that way. Most of us don’t. However, I hope that in some way when you hear it from a fellow caregiver that it resonates with you & that you can carry some of this in your hearts & minds in going forward.

I have sometimes been criticized for my Posts being too long. Caregiving & the challenges that Alzheimer’s/Dementia presents doesn’t often have a short version when it comes to supporting, sharing, & feeling for a fellow human being. In this Post, I could have simply written “I’m proud of you & honored to be associated with you”. However, in my opinion the topic/message was too important to abbreviate, condense, or underemphasize. You deserved so much more than that.

It’s bittersweet for all of us, but I wanted to take a rare “time out” to acknowledge you for what you are doing.

It’s tough. It’s almost impossible at times, but here we are caring as best as we can for a fellow human being. I will never take that for granted & even though it is a long Post it is one of the rare one’s where a caregiver reminds other caregivers just how remarkable they are.

Who knows, when times are especially low, sad, & challenging perhaps you will allow yourself a “time out” to re-read this as a source of encouragement, support, etc. After all, that is one of the reasons why I wrote this, one caregiver to another caregiver. 💜

Don’t you remember me?

1 Comment

Image source: “Oma” from freeimages.com

Image source: “Oma” from freeimages.com

It can be upsetting and frustrating when a loved one with dementia forgets who his/her family members are. Sometimes it’s a case of not being able to recognize faces. Many times I have heard family members say, “He thinks I am his sister,” or “Mom thinks I am her brother.” It can cause distress because it is another reminder that the relationship they once had is eroding away. It is another sign they are losing the mother/father/spouse/grandparent they once knew.

→ For tips on how to manage the difficult behaviours of dementia, check out the Dementia Caregiver Solutions app.

Get into their world.

     One way to look at it is to try to get into the world of the person with dementia. What period of life is s/he in? Is he young and still working? Maybe she is still living in her own home with four young children. When she looks at you, she doesn’t see her 48-year-old daughter. She sees someone she recognizes, but you are “out of context.” It is like seeing into the future. From her perspective, her nine-year-old daughter is in the other room or at school, and this 48-year-old version of her is standing in front of her. She sees a familiar person, but is not sure who.

Put yourself into context.

     Consider this – How many times have you gone to the supermarket or to another public place and bumped into someone you recognize. You make eye contact, but you can’t figure out how you know this person. He is familiar to you. He smiles and says, “Hello!” and addresses you by name. He asks how you are doing. You still can’t figure out who this man is. You smile back, but stay silent because you don’t want to appear silly. Finally, he says, “I am Bill, we met at the last staff meeting. I am the new guy,” as he chuckles. You are relieved because now you can place him. He was out of context. You didn’t expect to see someone from work at the supermarket. When he explained how you knew each other, it helped place him into context.

Clarify if that’s what is needed.

     That is my take on how to understand and respond to someone with dementia and/or memory problems. S/he may need a little reminder of who you are and how you fit into her/his life. Putting everything into context can help relieve the person’s anxieties and insecurities. Even if she thinks you’re her sister, that’s okay, too. If she asks for clarification or she is not sure who you are, gently remind her and put yourself into “context.” S/he will most likely respond favourably.

Avoid using a disapproving tone.

     It’s a natural reaction to want to be angry or disappointed with the person. At times you may have responded in a disapproving tone and said something like, “I’m not your sister! I’m your wife.” This can result in making your husband feel more confused and ashamed.

Respond in a calm and reassuring manner.

     The next time your loved one with dementia mixes you up with another family member or is not sure who you are, consider responding with kindness, patience and understanding. Help put yourself into context. That may help her/him remember who you are.

NOTE: The medical term for the inability to process sensory information is called agnosia. There are different forms, including prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. Check out Wikipedia if you want to learn more about agnosia, or watch this video on YouTube called Prosopagnosia.

 purple-swirl-separator-hi

Angela G. Gentile, M.S.W., R.S.W. is a Specialist in Aging who has more than 25 years of experience working with older adults and their families in a variety of capacities. She has worked in private practice, long-term care, home care, health care and non-profit organizations. She is a realistic optimist who lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba with her husband and two children.